Brene’ Brown is is a thought leader on vulnerability Read below an excerpt from y blog about vunerability.
There’s power in it !
Courage: :To tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.”
Month: June 2014
6 People Who Don’t Deserve To Hear Your Shame Story.
StandardEver told someone your embarrassing story about a shameful experience, then could hear crickets?? Well, then… it’s important you know who those people are BEFORE you share your story and not after. Listen and Learn.
Mellody Hobson on Race & Color Blindness
StandardAwesome. Inspiring is this talk. Yet very interesting and disappointing. Tim & I are both are diversity trainers and actually this is our story, It’s how we met based on our passions and training people about culture. Diversity training is at the center of our hearts, so we share this video in all good conscience and to encourage up a new level of thought life.
Mellody Hobson is senior vice president and director of marketing at Ariel Investments, LLC She began as an intern and rose to become the firm’s top executive leader. In 2000, she ascended to become the president of Ariel, a Chicago investment firm that manages over $9 billion in assets. It is also one of the largest African American-owned money management and mutual fund companies in the United States.
Enjoy.
“If we can learn to deal with our discomfort and just relax into it, we will have a better life….we have to be color brave. “ Mellody Hobson
On Women & Marriage
StandardOrig posted April 8, 2012
We believe everyone should have a good marriage book or two and we will add a few of our own to our resource page. As a couple, you should even have one for the woman, and one for the man, that really feeds their soul. If you don’t like to read, find a good YouTube video, or DVD to watch. But every now and then, we believe you all should be nurturing your marriage by adding to it a little pertinent wisdom.
It’s titled:
Dr. Schlessinger has a really nice radio show. She actually took a poll in her book from husbands asking them for wise advice regarding their wives. Now, now, …women…don’t get offended!
But we thought it was interesting to know this, since we believe women often set the tone and the temperature for the home.
Take heed of the awesome information she received from these awesome interviews:
What do you, as a man, most admire about WOMEN in general?
1. Social skills, nurturing nature, compassion, sensitivity, listening skills, focus on relationships and bonding – (family community).
2. Physical softness, sexy, curvy, beautiful and graceful bodies.
3. They will sacrifice for family, the power of creation of new life, being mothers.
4. Better at details, (multitasking).
5. They take the rough hard edges of this world they bring feelings and emotions and sense of intimacy to us logical guys.
6. They can create a home out of any environment adding and aesthetics, to life, ( color, grace, beauty ) they make a house into a sanctuary… a home, homemaking.
7. The positive effect a good woman can have on her husband and family.
8. In femininity there is gentle power over people.
What do you least admire about women in general?
1. Emotional manipulation, complaining, nagging, controlling through ” hurt “or “anger ” their ability to verbally rip apart your soul having always to have their way.
2. Moodiness, women initially express anger with slamming doors, pouting, and such, and it takes time to find out the root of the matter, (bossy or superior) attitude.
3. Gossip for sense of superiority, can’t fight with girlfriends and female relatives.
4. They want to talk everything to death, often without coming to any conclusions without the intent to actually solve anything.
5 . Emotions dominate rationality or truth.
6. Constant demand for validation, take everything too personally, obsessed with looks, (but not for sake of pleasing husbands.)
7. Unable to apologize to a man, stay angry and hold grudges a long time, shrillness & fault-finding.
8. Inability or unwillingness to understand what a man is, man hating tendencies not letting the man in their life be a man too quickly annoyed with the true nature of a man.
( Jennifer ) : Hmmm… thought it was so insightful to see that women can affect the mood of the entire home and family, and it’s also interesting to note care for our bodies and our sensitivity is highly admired. I also thought it was interesting for women to be considerate of what it means to be a man. Some men have hardships unbeknownst to women, and in a very different way. For instance, a man who is seeking to find a job, but having no luck really needs more affirmation about what he is doing right than wrong, and it means a lot for a woman to be understanding that he is working towards the goal, and affirming him, despite the outcome. In a society where there is strong social pressure on men to achieve, it’s pertinent women be emotionally supportive.
(Tim comment ) : The comments mentioned above that tend to be less attractive to men about women, are actually the character traits of women who have unresolved emotional hurt and often the emotional hurt they have experienced has come at the hands of men. For example, women who have difficulty, saying I am sorry, to a man ultimately don’t want to feel vulnerable to men because typically they have done so in the past, and have been hurt.
Questions and answers taken from the Book: Dr Laura Schlessinger The Proper Care And Feeding of Marriage.
Tim and Jennifer and are certified therapists in Tulsa OK. They both are in a committed monogamous relationship and work hard at marriage. They love coaching couples on healthy relationships and communication. If you are interested in couples coaching, please contact us at tim.owensgroup@gmail.com . Although we live in the Tulsa area, we can coach via Skype. we have clients currently in Florida,Texas, Georgia and the Tulsa area.
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Building Foundations: Deriving Self Care While Reading Books
StandardJennifer: In my earlier days of recording I did self care videos: and so I am sharing one of my first. On this date: 12-12-2012 , I wanted to do something “FOUNDATIONAL”, because the number TWELVE is about FOUNDATION, and foundation is something we all need in life and in place in order to be successful in every endeavor we undertake.
If you really enjoyed this video, you will like this one, too! View part two here and leave a comment about what helped you or gave you new insight.
Almost 60 years… and Counting…
StandardGoing on 59 years of Marriage, Leroy and Tee Cox have learned SO MUCH about marriage!!
The Owens Group takes personal pride in learning from our elders and decide to share on our blog here the type of encouragement that comes from couples working as teams. Jennifer’s parents visited us one summer in Tulsa Oklahoma, and we decided to interview them after having so much success in marriage.
Listen below as we learn from Jennifer’s parents what they were encouraged by in marriage!
If you enjoyed this video, listen in to part one!
The Coxes live in Rochester, NY and they have four children and approximately 22 grands and approximately 18 great-grandchildren. They are such an awesome couple that love to travel and take great excitement in life!
On Men & Marriage.
StandardOrig. Posted on April 8, 2013
As a couple, you should even have good resources to nurture obtaining knowledge in your marriage. At least one GOOD BOOK for the woman, and at least one GOOD BOOK for the man; and perhaps even a few of them together, you really like. And… that really feeds your soul and acts as good reference for your souls. If you don’t like to read, find a good YouTube video, or DVD to watch. But every now and then, we believe you all should be nurturing your marriage by adding to it a little pertinent wisdom.We believe everyone should have a good marriage book or two and we will add a few of our own to our Book Reading Resource page. Currently we are reading:“His Need, Her Needs: Building An Affair Proof Marriage.” By William Harley. And we shall talk about that later. We have a really good marriage manual in our library that was given to us by Jennifer’s boss for our wedding day. It’s titled:
Dr. Schlessinger has a really nice radio show. She actually took a poll in her book from husbands asking them for wise advice regarding their wives.
What do you, as a woman admire about men in general?
1. Hardiness, physical strength, masculinity, mental toughness protective courage , self-confident, persevering, emotional strength when facing fear.
2. Ability to see the whole picture objectively , think logically, get things done, practicality .
3. Honest, straight to the point, back bone, strength of character and opinion, uncomplicated.
4. They get over things fast can be friends with other men who have hurt their feelings, bond easily don’t make everything a crisis upfront with anger don’t over analyze everything.
5. Provider for family, responsible , driven to fix and help, leadership and devotion.
6. Chivalry, gentlemanly behavior, willingness to slay dragons everyday, they will sacrifice everything to make their woman happy,
7. They are put together nicely, and their passion in sex, they are comfortable with their bodies.
8. Their simplicity.
(Jennifer): Wow… really!!? I know… of course this may be the ideal man, and every man is not this way, but he should be at least striving for a few of these. So what do do you think brothers? It looks like physique is also important to the women as well, and we as women need your integrity help in leading and maturity to be on the forefront. As woman, I know I feel more supported when I am in decision-making mode with a man and he takes equal responsibility and take time to give his input.
Okay, here’s the other side, men.. women didn’t like these factors: What do you need at least admire about men in general?
1. Hard for them to give- and- take in discussion they want to give the answer, not figure it out together.
2. Then they can have casual sex; obsession with women’s bodies/ sex; shallow physical attraction to women.
3. Hide male ego, not good with criticism, won’t admit weaknesses, arrogance, emotional neediness.
4. Too easily intimidated by strong-willed women and or their mothers.
5 Don’t wish to do domestic work expect women to do child rearing.
6. Workaholics can’t multitask; focus on bigger pictures and not on details.
7. Crude humor and admiration of violent (sports, movies); sloppy.
8. Won’t talk about feelings won’t show many feelings besides anger, not sensitive to feelings of women, won’t easily vocalize love and appreciation.
( Tim) : Tim says women (and sadly most men) don’t fully understand that what seems to be male obsession with sexuality and women’s bodies is really less about obsession with the female form and more about men trying to manage the abundance of testosterone surging through their bodies. In the same way that women have to manage their monthly reproductive cycle (their periods) ; men have to manage their male reproductive cycle driven by the production of testosterone.
Tim and Jennifer and are certified therapists in Tulsa OK. and they both are in a committed monogamous relationship and word hard at marriage. They love coaching couples on healthy relationships and communication. If you are interested in couples coaching, please contact us at tim.owensgroup@gmail.com . Although we live in the Tulsa area, we can coach via Skype. we have clients currently in Florida,Texas, Georgia and the Tulsa area.
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No Longer A Wounded Soldier.
StandardOne day, I was in the woods, and I freed my soul. I really cannot recall the exact wounded soldier story; but perhaps this one fits. I went to an awesome retreat a few months back, maybe ten months ago and did some soul work. I came back feeling so invigorated.
It was in the fall. It had begun to get cool in the mornings, and I was trying to rejuvenate my soul. I was soul-weary. Just tired. The kind of tired you can be when no one else can understand it, kind of tired. During the retreat, I noticed the weariness of my soul. I didn’t quite know it was weary til I really took the time to pull away and spend time on myself.
Alone.
Yet observing Self.
Well, if you read the story above, you will understand the place where I was. Sometimes, our souls can become weary because of ourselves. We then find ourselves without aid or assistance even we are really in a hard place.
I never want to be there, ever again.
So we were given this exercise on the retreat asking us to nurture and care for our wounded soldier by walking out into the woods and comforting her. Taking time to empathize with her and tell her that she had every right to protect this space inside of her and to stop fighting fires and putting out other battles but to learn to fight our own battle, and not feel quilty or alone any more about doing it. So sympathize and empathize with our need for compassion and herald the battles we have fought, but also congratulate ourselves for a job well done. And for having the COURAGE to endure.
We were encouraged to take time to HEAL. And I made a declaration in the woods, that day that I would build my own fortress and support my own cause and begin to herald my own work before I supported another’s cause.
And I was set free.
Like a bird, I flew that day in the woods.
Since that day, many things have been born. And I am grateful. So even if you don’t have time, today, read that story, ( either here, or above).
And herald your own cause, fight your own battle, and save yourself.
You’re so worth it.
Managing Your Time, Benefits Teamwork (Part 2)
StandardJennifer: So, what I LOVE about Tim is he has several mottoes that regularly rule his life and his routine . For instance, here’s one: “Patient, persistent, pursuit of the proper process produces the progress that ultimately leads to success.” So, true, right? He lived of this for quite a while, before he met me. I tell him all the time if he hadn’t met me when he did, he and I may not really be friends, much less married. We are so different today, than we once were!
Marriage takes a lot of communication, hard work and transparency. One of the things I have had trouble with have been managing a proper routine In fact, we have had several challenges around routine, and time. Yet I truly admire Tim’s sense of discipline and I have learned so much from him and apply what I have learned to keeping our marriage running well! ( Thanks, babe!)
In fact, he has really good business sense that has helped me to launch my book as an author; he has helped o build my platform for writing and I now coach others, and he has helped with several other growing entrepreneurial skills. So..life is good. Below, Tim gives really GOOD advice about working out a really good routine, and taking care of your life and business.
Tim regularly takes stock of his life, and he has had such an impact on CHANGING mine, so helpfully, his article will also help you!
Here’s the rest of his article. If you missed part one,
Developing Routine in Your Life
Developing routine in your life begins with taking stock of your life. It starts with taking a long hard and brutally honest look at what your life is currently, what you like about your life, what you dislike about your life, what you can change about your life right now, what you must currently keep the same until change is possible later on, and what will never change about your life. The Serenity Prayer begins with “Lord, grant me the grace to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” I encourage you to make a list of the people, attributes, issues, challenges, dreams, goals, desires, needs, (etc). that currently best define your life and then mark the items on your list that you like and dislike, can change and can’t change, want to keep the same and want to change.
Once you have taken stock of your life, the next step is to identify specific changes you will make. Again, I encourage you to document the changes you can and want to make in your life. This time describe them in measurable and verifiable terms. For example: I want to be able to be comfortable in the size 12 dresses I have in my closet rather than the size 20 dresses I currently wear. Rather than simply saying I want to lose some weight. Say, I want to have a place in my office for everything and to have everything in my office in its place. Rather than simply saying I want my office to be more organized.
After taking stock of your life, identifying specific changes you will make, the third step is to identify specific behaviors you must carry out in order to bring to fruition the changes you have identified. For example: if you want to be able to go from a size 20 to a size 12 there are some specific behaviors you must engage in over time. You must do enough cardio exercise to burn enough calories, and do enough weight lifting or resistance oriented exercise to build enough muscle and consume few enough calories daily in order to create a daily negative caloric intake. Doing a weekly routine that includes these behaviors given enough consistency over time will result in the desired outcome (i.e. the size 12 dress fitting to perfection.)
Once you have identified the specific behaviors you need to carry out the next step is to develop a process for completing those behaviors in a systematic organized way. For example: I need to do cardio, lift weights, and take my nutritional supplements that aid in weight loss. So I decide that I will go to the gym on Monday through Friday for one hour. I will do 30 min. of cardio on the tread mill, and 30 minutes of a full body light weight work out. I will take my daily supplements immediately before I walk out of the door to go to the gym. I now have a process for getting to my desired dress size. My process is to take my supplement, go to the gym where I run for 30 minutes on the treadmill and then lift weights for 30 minutes in the weight room. I do this Monday through Friday.
Having a process will go a long way toward establishing your routine, but it won’t get you there completely. Once you have identified your process you will then need to identify the time frame within which you will practice your process. If your entire process (i.e. getting dressed to work out, taking supplements, driving to the gym, exercising, showering and getting dressed actually takes a total of 2 hours you need to identify two hours in your day to actually commit daily to that process. Without a time frame that you can and will consistently commit to your process, you will have a great idea, but no consistent execution. Without consistent execution of your process you will soon become frustrated and give up on the whole idea. My rule of the 7 P’s is “Patient, persistent, pursuit of the proper process produces the progress that ultimately leads to success.”
After you have taken stock, identified the changes, identified the specific behaviors need to bring about the changes, developed a process for carrying out the behaviors, and then committed to a time frame for executing the process; the final step is to identify an anchoring life activity that will serve as a trigger to remind you to execute the process at the appropriate time. For example: If I decide that I will work out early in the morning before I go to work, my trigger could be waking up by my alarm clock in the morning. I simply determine that every morning Monday through Friday I will wake to my alarm clock and the first thing I do will be to get dressed, take my supplement, and go to the gym. I don’t have to think about it, I don’t have to make a decision as to whether or not I will go to the gym, or when I will go to the gym or what I will do once I get there. I simply need to wake up to my alarm and all of those decisions are already predetermined for me. I can therefore block out anything that would seek to distract me from my goal because I have already chosen to do this. All that is left for me to do is to make it happen by focusing on completing one task at a time in succession until the entire process is finished. As I do this consistently over time I will achieve my goal.
Dealing with Interruptions to your Routine
Most people start well. They work hard and are successful for about 2 – 3 weeks on average. About week 3 life happens, and they encounter some kind of distraction that takes them away from their process (i.e. they had to stay up late working on a project for work over the past week and just didn’t have the energy to get up early enough to make it to the gym, or they went out of town on vacation, or a relative came to visit for a few days, etc.) Remember we said earlier that the only thing that is completely constant in our world is change. The problem is not that we get off of our routine due to some life event. It is that we don’t get back on the routine or one similar, immediately after the life event is over. Getting back on routine after getting off is just as important a skill to have as is the ability to develop the initial routine from the beginning.
Getting back on routine effectively begins with first being able to anticipate life changes that will affect your routine before they actually happen and developing a plan for managing them effectively. Those life changes that can’t be managed must simply be adapted to in the shortest possible amount of time. But beyond that, getting back on routine is simply a matter of noticing you are off routine, and then developing a plan that will get you back. Plan your work and then work you plan. Don’t beat yourself up or pressure yourself to get back on routine. A wise person once said “If you can’t fight, or flee, just go with the flow.” Pressuring yourself to get back on routine, or do anything for that matter will make you less likely to be successful.
So in closing, routine is important for the structure of your life. We benefit from routine by increased stability, increased efficiency, and greater quality of life. You develop routine in your life by identifying a behavioral process that you practice repeatedly over time. Finally, I encourage you to pursue routine, but be sure that you make your routine server your life, rather than making your life server your routine.
Tim Owens has an M.S. degree in counseling is a certified personal trainer, licenses alcohol and drug counseling therapist in the Tulsa area. He can be reached at tim.owensgroup@gmail.com
Managing Your Time, Benefits Teamwork (Part 1)
StandardTim & I have always admired the best about Timothy Owens, each other and we believe we are mates for life. Working together a a team has been a challenge in business, but we have found keeping a good routine works so well for us. No, we aren’t perfect, but we try HARD. One of Tim’s best skills has been the ability to harness routine in his life. I asked him to write a post about it several months ago, he fully agreed. (Tim is also a journalist. He majored in writing in college, and I am here to inspire him to get back on track! 😉
Here’s Tim’s article. Enjoy reading!
Routine Defined
Webster defines the word routine as a” habitual or mechanical performance of an established procedure.” I tend to define routine as the following: A routine is a predetermined, intentional and patterned approach to accomplishing an outcome, through a prescribed set of organized individual behaviors that are often interrelated and/or interdependent. In other words routine is the process through which we bring intentional order to our lives. Without routine, managing the myriad of tasks, details, and information in our lives becomes a lot like trying to lead a large herd of cats. It is almost impossible to do without a great deal of stress, frustration, and unnecessary time, money, and energy expended in the process.
Many people fear routine because they believe it will lead to them getting into a rut. Ruts are not routines. A routine as you will discover going forward is a vibrant and dynamic set of processes that can be used as a powerful tool to accomplish the life goals and outcomes you desire. A rut is a static and lifeless set of mindless dysfunctional behaviors that tend to enslave and oppress us as rather than move us in the direction of our goals.
The Importance of Routine
Routine is universal. There is pattern and order to everything in the universe from the sub-atomic level to the universal level everything that has functionality in our world has order and routine. The challenge lies within our own ability to see and interact with that order. Just as our (IQ) denotes the degree to which we can use our cognitive ability to accomplish our goals, I believe that the degree to which we are able to see and work within the order of the universe to set and accomplish our goals is the degree to which we possess what I call Order Intelligence (OI).
Because as human beings we live and function within the universe we must utilize order and routine within our own lives in order to manage them effectively and foster success through accomplishment. Life management therefore becomes the process through which we effectively identify and apply routine in an attempt to produce order and balance in our lives. This applies to our personal lives, our professional lives and the life of our family.
Routine and order is to the family what your bones and skeletal system is to your body. It provides the foundation and structure necessary to support all of the other functions and systems needed to survive and thrive. Without routine and order within a family, there is no foundation upon which to build quality loving relationships that are solid, deep, enduring and mutually satisfying.
The Benefits of Routine
Great family relationships are built upon solid routine and order. Routines allow family members to feel safe and secure, and to be able to anticipate the behaviors of other family members. They allow for the development of identity and roles within the family so as to allow for increased functionality, effective communication, the accomplishment of shared goals, the unity of common culture, and the enjoyment of intentional community.
Routine done properly will tend to simplify one’s life or the life of a family. It makes details in life easier to manage and less cumbersome by establishing a specific order for each detail and a systematic process that allows for attention to each detail through a linear and uncomplicated course of action. Routine allows one to spend less mental energy focusing on each individual detail and consequently allows for greater focus and attention to be paid to the bigger picture as a whole. It allows one to focus less on what is urgent in the moment and more on what is most important over time.
The Dangers of the Misuse of Routine
It is a universal truth that anything and everything under the sun can and will be misused, and routine is by no means exempt. People sometimes misuse routine by fixating on it as the solution to every challenge they face. Routine can often be an important part of the solution, but it is almost never in and of itself the entire solution to any challenge. This unhealthy fixation on routine leads to rigidity and resistance to change. The only thing that is constant in our lives is change itself. Any approach to life that doesn’t take change into consideration is destined to fail.
Misuse of routine also produces an inability or unwillingness to see or think outside of one’s current perception of reality, and to see the possibilities that lie just over the horizon. Inability to imagine a reality that is different from what one currently perceives leads to the trap of falling into a rut. A rut in life is just a grave with the ends knocked out of it. The Bible says in Proverbs that without a vision for the future, the people will fail.
Finally, misuse of routine can lead to an addictive kind of dependence on it to produce feelings of safety, security, peace, and stability. While routine is a great resource that can help to produce those things in one’s life, it never has been nor will it ever be the actual source of safety, security, peace and stability in one’s life. It is simply a tool that can help you and your family toward those goals. ( Part 2 can be found here!)
Tim Owens has an M.S. degree in counseling is a certified personal trainer, counselor/therapist and works as a weight loss/behavior management coach for his clients in the Tulsa area. He can be reached at tim.owensgroup@gmail.com